June 30, 2013

The Importance of Love.

I've been feeling this way for a few weeks. It's totally irrational, ill-timed, and inconvenient. But the heart wants what the heart wants, right?

I talked to my friend Jane Taylor, worked though my feelings… And then... 

I called him.

"I have something I have to tell you." I proceeded to sputter and stumble over my words, as I do in these moments.

And in his style, he said, "What is it? Fuck, spit it out, already!"

"Dude. I'm in love with you."

June 27, 2013

Austin: The Velvet Coffin.

This past last weekend was my last weekend of travelling for work. And so I decided to spend the weekend in Austin, Texas. I was looking forward to a weekend of beer, music, and awesome food. And that's exactly what I got!

But I also got something else unexpected. I got a bunch of old wounds dug up and brought back to the surface.

I use a couple of geolocation apps for gay men - Grindr and Scruff. For the uninitiated, these apps will tell you what gay men are physically around you at the moment. I've used these apps in Toronto, New York City, Boston, and even the small town of Greenville, South Carolina. In all these places, I've found the men to be fun, friendly, respectful, and kind. 

I expected the same thing in Austin, but boy, was I in for a surprise. The non-white gay men were cool - just the same as in other cities. But the majority of the gay white men I talked to over the weekend were real entitled jerks. Disrespectful, treating me like an object in conversation, and just general flakiness. After a few instances of this, I felt this torrent of old anger come up from deep within me, fired up as I remembered my own difficulties in the past as a brown gay guy. 

June 23, 2013

Bought a Mustang, Quit my Job, and Off to the Farm

So I bought a 1990 Mustang 5.0, quit my well-paying software consulting job, and am going to spend the next few months farming.

I'm excited.

But I'm also scared shitless.

When I think about how I got here, sometimes I wonder if I've imagined it all.

In April, something in me snapped. My relationship of two years ended. The stress and drain of my jet-setting job had wrecked me. I felt lost, depressed, fat, tired, and just… destroyed. I'd done everything I was supposed to do in life - finished school, listened to the authority figures in my life, gotten a great job, and was well on my way towards eventually getting a mortgage and a good-sized retirement nest egg. Everything was setup the way it should be. I should have been happy.

But I was miserable.