July 13, 2013

It's Over.

A while back, I wrote a post called, "The Importance of Love". I shared how I told a dude I was in love with him, without any expectation of him saying it back to me.

So yes, I was the first person to say, "I love you." BrenĂ© Brown would have been proud. 

However, I also was the last and only person to say, "I love you."

It happened just now, over the course of this weekend. He said that he just wasn't in the same place anymore. The prolonged period we had of distance and being apart from each other so early in our getting to know each other had made the feelings he once had fade. I understood.

He wanted to be friends, and I said I couldn't be his friend - I wanted to be his boyfriend. After some discussion, I thought I would give the "friend" thing a try - nothing left to lose, right? We went out for dinner, and I was fine at first. But by dessert, it became clear that I couldn't be his friend.

I realized I didn't want to just shoot the shit with this dude over beer and food. I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted to stroke his beard. I wanted all these things and more. And he just wasn't in the same place. Or rather, I think he was freaked out because I think I was the first guy ever in his life who was really ready to go all in. I was the first guy who was going after him, who was able and willing to come see him, rather than he always being the one who put in the effort in the relationship. And I guess that was too much for him.

Unfortunately, or perhaps maybe fortunately (I don't know yet), that's the type of guy I am, especially as of late.  I'm all-in in life. I've spent far too much of my life being fearful and over-thinking things. So when it comes to matters of the heart, well... If I like you, I'm in. I will tell you. I will want to see you. It's really that simple.  

I want to share something I've learned over the past few years... A lot of us have spent most of our lives not getting the type of love we need. Deep down, we WANT to be loved. But what happens is that instead of running to be with people who will love us, we run FROM them. Why? Because NOT being truly loved feels so familiar... And the unfamiliarity of being with someone who is ready and able to love us scares the bejeezus out of us, and so we run. It's counterintuitive, but so very true. I've seen it so many times, and I've experienced it myself many times. 

I think that's what happened here, I think that's why he ran. Or, maybe I've just spent too much time with my therapist and over-analyze things.

Maybe I'll be friends with him in the future. He's a good guy. I wouldn't have fallen for him otherwise. But right now? I want nothing to do with him. I want a complete break. I'll get over him and life will go on, and then maybe we can be friends.

But I want you, my reader, to know something. Something really, really important.

You may think that I feel like I'm destroyed, that I'll never love again, that I regret telling this dude that I was in love with him, etc...

Nothing, absolutely nothing could be further from the truth.

I fell in love with him, he didn't feel the same way back. But I am NOT destroyed. I am OK. I will be OK. In fact, because I feel OK, I don't have a fear of telling someone else that I love them in the future.

I want YOU to know that telling someone you love them and having them not say it back to you will NOT destroy you either. It doesn't have to. Frankly, I think we've been conditioned by movies to believe that this is how we have to react. Don't buy into this idea. Love freely and openly and release your fears. You won't be destroyed if someone doesn't say it back to you. And if you hold back your feelings for fear of getting hurt? Well, I can tell you that if you stultify your life and feelings to keep from feeling the lows... You'll never experience the highs either. Embrace your feelings and allow yourself to live the full human experience. It is well worth it. Remember - you can't eat delicious food without having to deal with shitting later on, right? If you don't want to deal with shit, then you can't experience eating, so you might as well die.

I laid all my cards on the table with this guy. I was brutally honest with him at times because I believe that if you can't be really honest from the get-go in a relationship, then it's not much of a relationship to begin with. I think it's better to be really honest from the beginning than to hold things back or to talk and act the way you think the other person wants you to be to please them. You can try to run and hide from unpleasant truths... But especially in the context of a relationship, unspoken unpleasant truths fester, putrify, and will then come up at the most inopportune times. Better to be honest from the get-go - and if the other person walks, well, you've just saved yourself a whole boatload of trouble, haven't you?

One of the last things I told him was this:
"I want to be with someone who wants me as much as I want them. I want to be with someone who wants to hold me and be with me. I want to be with someone who is able to express how they feel to me. I deserve this."

And so do you, my dear reader. We all deserve this.

Incidentally, the speedometer on my Mustang Ruby broke on the trek from Ottawa to Toronto. Look at us going through life together this weekend, both a bit bruised. My god, I love this car - we even have sympathy pains together!

Before I left him for the last time, I told him I was going to go be with people whom I could always count on for feeling loved - my friends, and my city - Toronto.

Ruby's going to be in the shop in a couple of hours to get her speedometer fixed.

And I'm going to wander around Toronto to fix my heart up.